Monday, August 28, 2017

Life Lately


Well, it's only been a little over one month since I last checked in. I know I sound like a broken record but this time ... this time ...  I feel this may change.

We have been busy in the "back to school" routine. I am so thankful. I am working in a different city than where I live so have a bit of commute, but I don't mind it too much right now. Overall, life has been great! Boys are great! Family is great! Work is great!

But then there's me. On the outside I am "great!" On the inside, meh .. not so great!

I am struggling. I cannot find my happiness. Or my purpose. I am a grown woman and feel as though I have nothing to offer this world. I have once again lost myself (maybe I never found ME to begin with.) I am just so unhappy with myself. I feel I'm not a good mom, daughter, sister, friend, employee. I feel so alone in this world. My friends are few and far between. Most days I feel my kids hate me. I am not extremely happy in my "career" but stay here because it pays my bills and just living off of one income, this is a must. I haven't had a male friend in years and no...I don't need a man to make me happy but every once in a while, male companionship would be nice. A nice distraction at least. But at the end of the day, I have to make myself happy and love myself before anything will change.

I remember, almost a year ago, something finally "clicked" and I was working out everyday, eating clean, and felt the best than I have in a really long time. But then something "clicked" and I stopped working out every day. I stopped eating clean. I stopped being happy with me.

I am not making excuses but us women need a support system. Ever since I moved from the metroplex and away from everything I have known for several years, I feel alone. I don't have anyone to talk to or do things with. I just have my kids and my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but certain things you need your girlfriends to talk to and get you through. I have several sisters but everyone has their own life and their own things going on. I'm not super close to any of them. The one I am most close to lives a thousand miles away and is considerably younger so we are in completely different stages of life at the moment.

I don't know. Maybe I just thought this would help me feel better.

I have social media of course. But, I decided to start a second one. I need to lose a significant amount of weight and this second one is for that purpose only. I am posting very raw pictures and don't really want it public just yet as I know the world can be and often is, a very cruel place. I will share one day just not this day.

Thanks for reading and if anyone has any suggestions on finding your happiness and just finding yourself, I am very appreciative!